I’m a divorced mother of a 6-year-old. My ex is always giving in to whatever my daughter wants. When she comes back to me I feel like the bad cop because I enforce boundaries. My ex says I’m too strict, and my daughter isn’t so happy with me either. What should I do?
You’re in a difficult position and we applaud you for upholding boundaries with your daughter. Maintaining limits is especially important because... she’s living in two households, which is potentially destabilizing. You have the opportunity be be a bedrock of stability, but how do you hold your own in the face of her visits to the proverbial candy factory?
Children who are raised by so-called ‘permissive parents’ - ones who avoid conflict and indulge their child’s every desire - may initially appear to be reveling in the freedom. But as kids learn they can push boundaries to potentially unhealthy levels, they lose a sense of security, trust and safety. Inconsistent (or nonexistent) boundaries can cause kids to develop anxiety because they feel a lack of control over their environment. An overly strict environment prevents kids from exercising their judgment, though, so it’s important to strike a balance. Working through conflict with children in a constructive, positive way is a critical parenting skill that your ex is, apparently, lacking. So your daughter needs you to model compromise and negotiation so she can learn to use these skills in relationships with others.
If your ex continually removes limits in order to bypass conflict with your daughter, he risks sending the message that he would prefer to avoid her negative emotions at all costs. A parent who is afraid to tell his child “No” is telling her that he’s not equipped to handle her frustration, anger and sadness. It’s important for you, then, to support her through these emotions, comforting her through the inevitable disappointments that life brings, coaching her through complicated feelings and demonstrating that you are there for her. Your unconditional love will pay off in the long run.
Here are some further suggestions:
• Avoid setting limits in reaction to your ex’s permissiveness. It’s important that the limits you set are appropriate, loving, and make sense to your daughter. Be clear with her and yourself about why a limit exists. She won’t think you’re too strict if she understands why you set the limits you do.
• Many of us have inflexible limits (“No running in parking lots”), but don’t be afraid to establish flexible limits as well. For example, you might have a flexible limit around bath time:
Child: I don’t want to take a bath! Ex doesn’t make me take a bath.
Parent: It’s good to wash the dirt off our bodies.
Child: But I was inside all day today and I’m not dirty!
Parent (applying a flexible limit): You know, that’s a good point - you are pretty clean. Let’s skip it for tonight.
• Empathize sincerely and engage your daughter in problem solving when you hold a limit. For example:
Child: Ex lets me watch TV before bed. I want to watch TV!
Parent: I know he lets you watch TV and that sounds fun. It must be hard to do things differently here but we don’t watch TV before bed. Can you think of another relaxing thing to do that we can both agree on?
Child: What if we skip bath and read another chapter? Reading relaxes me.
Parent: Sounds great!
Dismissing limits is the easy way out. By avoiding parenting short cuts, you’re investing in your relationship with your daughter and building her sense of confidence and trust in you. The fact that your parenting style differs from your ex’s could be an opportunity for you and your daughter to talk and connect. You might be surprised at how a little transparency can bring you together. By maintaining high standards for her, you’ll be demonstrating that you respect her, which she’ll come to value more than nights of watching Late Night and eating Frosted Flakes.
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