My two-year-old son Jack is a hitter, and an occasional pusher. He usually gets physical when he's fighting with another toddler over a toy, but sometimes it will come out of nowhere. I understand that this is normal behavior for a two-year-old, but it's still embarrassing, not to mention traumatic for the child who gets hurt. My question is, what is the right way to respond when Jack hits or pushes another child? And is there anything I can do to reduce this impulse in him, or do I just need to wait for him to grow out of it? (You can assume that he's well-rested and well-fed when these outbursts occur; I know kids are more likely to lash out when they're tired or hungry.)
A hitting/pushing phase is normal for toddlers (particularly preverbal ones), but some strategies -- all rooted in thoughtful connection -- are more effective than others for keeping the phase as short as possible....
Issuing a ‘time out’ is often parents’ first line of defense, but this type of punnishment can backfire by increasing a child’s frustration and sense of isolation. Even if time outs appear successful in the short term, they encourage children to disconnect and hide their behavior over time. Furthermore, they don’t help children understand the cause of their behavior, nor do they help them build skills to negotiate social situations. It’s critical to uphold a no-hitting boundary maintained by communicating your expectations and meeting Jack’s emotional needs.
Before social situations:
● Provide focused, positive attention so he’s grounded
● Avoid saying ‘Don’t cry,’ or ‘You’re okay,’ when Jack is upset, because blocking the emotional release of crying can cause repressed feelings to surface later in physically aggressive acts.
● Communicate expectations before group play: “We’re going to paint and take turns. Hands are only for gentle touching.”
● Practice “Hands on your head!” Calling this can refocus Jack if he’s aggressive and give you time to intervene. Practice this at home so he learns to respond instantly.
● Practice ‘gentle hands,’ which is how Jack would have to touch a small pet, a baby, or a flower. If Jack doesn’t know how to control his touch, then stroke Jack gently and say “gentle, like this”. Coach him to do the same.
● Encourage daily exercise, and engage Jack in contact play - wrestling, pillow fights, etc. A growing body of research supports the importance of playful physical contact with our children. While wrestling, allow your child to take the lead and ‘overpower’ you. Some children hit in order to feel empowered and see another person’s strong reaction, so react dramatically during delineated playtime.This is especially important if your child is the youngest of his siblings (or is a girl).
If you catch him poised to hit:
● Be Jack’s linguistic and emotional coach. “You’re feeling so frustrated right now! You really want to play with that and you want to ask for it.”
● Intervene verbally: Say, “No hitting. Hitting hurts”
● Intervene physically: Hold Jack’s hands.
● Provide an outlet for his impulse, such as: “Clap your hands 1-2-3! Now gentle hands.” Hugging and drumming the floor can also keep hands busy.
If he hits another child and there are tears, etc.:
● Verbally empathize with both children. Hold Jack firmly and be an interpreter, giving voice to Jack’s frustration and to the other child’s hurt. Model how to comfort and apologize but avoid asking Jack to say he’s sorry - it won’t be genuine. “Wow, Jack was so frustrated! Jack wanted the toy. Jack hit his friend. But hands are for gentle touching.” Then to the friend: “Ow! Jack hit you. It really hurts! We’re so sorry.”
● Consider a symbolic gesture for the hurt child, such as getting water. Involve Jack in getting it while giving him the attention he needs to recalibrate.
● Hold Jack firmly and rock or hum to him if he’s crying or trying to get away. After he’s calm, decide if it makes sense to continue playing - with increased supervision - or whether to leave the play date/group.
● If you do leave, don’t say, “We’re leaving because you hit,” which emphasizes the undesired behavior, but rather, “We need to be gentle with our friends. You feel frustrated and your hands aren’t gentle right now. We’ll play with our friends on a day when we can use gentle hands.” This will help reinforce your expectations of Jack and the limits around play, while avoiding language that tempts him to try it again.
Always stay next to a toddler who’s in a hitting stage and respond to every aggressive incident. Responding inconsistently is a hallmark of ‘permissive parenting,’ a style that doesn’t set and maintain clear expectations for a child’s behavior. Investing in Jack’s need for connection and healthy limits will be rewarded as he grows into a self possessed, and emotionally intelligent child.
A hitting/pushing phase is normal for toddlers (particularly preverbal ones), but some strategies -- all rooted in thoughtful connection -- are more effective than others for keeping the phase as short as possible....
Issuing a ‘time out’ is often parents’ first line of defense, but this type of punnishment can backfire by increasing a child’s frustration and sense of isolation. Even if time outs appear successful in the short term, they encourage children to disconnect and hide their behavior over time. Furthermore, they don’t help children understand the cause of their behavior, nor do they help them build skills to negotiate social situations. It’s critical to uphold a no-hitting boundary maintained by communicating your expectations and meeting Jack’s emotional needs.
Before social situations:
● Provide focused, positive attention so he’s grounded
● Avoid saying ‘Don’t cry,’ or ‘You’re okay,’ when Jack is upset, because blocking the emotional release of crying can cause repressed feelings to surface later in physically aggressive acts.
● Communicate expectations before group play: “We’re going to paint and take turns. Hands are only for gentle touching.”
● Practice “Hands on your head!” Calling this can refocus Jack if he’s aggressive and give you time to intervene. Practice this at home so he learns to respond instantly.
● Practice ‘gentle hands,’ which is how Jack would have to touch a small pet, a baby, or a flower. If Jack doesn’t know how to control his touch, then stroke Jack gently and say “gentle, like this”. Coach him to do the same.
● Encourage daily exercise, and engage Jack in contact play - wrestling, pillow fights, etc. A growing body of research supports the importance of playful physical contact with our children. While wrestling, allow your child to take the lead and ‘overpower’ you. Some children hit in order to feel empowered and see another person’s strong reaction, so react dramatically during delineated playtime.This is especially important if your child is the youngest of his siblings (or is a girl).
If you catch him poised to hit:
● Be Jack’s linguistic and emotional coach. “You’re feeling so frustrated right now! You really want to play with that and you want to ask for it.”
● Intervene verbally: Say, “No hitting. Hitting hurts”
● Intervene physically: Hold Jack’s hands.
● Provide an outlet for his impulse, such as: “Clap your hands 1-2-3! Now gentle hands.” Hugging and drumming the floor can also keep hands busy.
If he hits another child and there are tears, etc.:
● Verbally empathize with both children. Hold Jack firmly and be an interpreter, giving voice to Jack’s frustration and to the other child’s hurt. Model how to comfort and apologize but avoid asking Jack to say he’s sorry - it won’t be genuine. “Wow, Jack was so frustrated! Jack wanted the toy. Jack hit his friend. But hands are for gentle touching.” Then to the friend: “Ow! Jack hit you. It really hurts! We’re so sorry.”
● Consider a symbolic gesture for the hurt child, such as getting water. Involve Jack in getting it while giving him the attention he needs to recalibrate.
● Hold Jack firmly and rock or hum to him if he’s crying or trying to get away. After he’s calm, decide if it makes sense to continue playing - with increased supervision - or whether to leave the play date/group.
● If you do leave, don’t say, “We’re leaving because you hit,” which emphasizes the undesired behavior, but rather, “We need to be gentle with our friends. You feel frustrated and your hands aren’t gentle right now. We’ll play with our friends on a day when we can use gentle hands.” This will help reinforce your expectations of Jack and the limits around play, while avoiding language that tempts him to try it again.
Always stay next to a toddler who’s in a hitting stage and respond to every aggressive incident. Responding inconsistently is a hallmark of ‘permissive parenting,’ a style that doesn’t set and maintain clear expectations for a child’s behavior. Investing in Jack’s need for connection and healthy limits will be rewarded as he grows into a self possessed, and emotionally intelligent child.
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